Why Is Life Testing Me!??!

Que crazy face! 

Okay readers, 

I know beat me up because It has been a while since I posted. 

Let me give you a quickie before I post rants and other things I been holding back on due to my life….

So this is what I have been up to since my last post,

I didn’t quit that stupid job. 

Even though I should have because maybe my life could have been different. 

I worked and was still pregnant of course….

Until recently…..


I had emergency c-section…..


My baby Kaitlyn Elizabeth Kitt was born Monday Sept 4 2017 at 5:33 AM. She was 10’2 inches and 13 oz. (Father’s last name)

Immediately in NICU……. 

I never had so much love until I seen her. I understand a mother’s love even though my own mother couldn’t show it. 

To wrap this up, I went to NICU every single day when I could. The first day (Monday) I went in a wheelchair. After that I worked on walking to go on my own. She was so fragile and small, but was moving all the time. It gave us hope that she can survive. My boyfriend was my support system every day. He slept in my room for 2 nights before I let him sleep at home because he needed better rest and to work. But he came back to the hospital during the day to see our baby….

My mom was my 1st family visit and we don’t get along. But I talked to her. I didn’t let her see my baby because she has to work on us 1st. 

My grandparents visited the day after my mom and that was very enlightening. I wanted to see them the most. I let them see the baby because they were always there for me. 

My grandfather cried and it was so hard. I wanted to cry with him. I did tear up though. 

I was dismissed from the hospital on Friday and Thank God because I thought I was losing my mind. No I actually was losing my mind. 

Recovery was sooooo hard! I had to train my body to use the bathroom again, I was in so much pain from the incision, nurses didn’t come fast enough, I was emotionally stressed about my baby but didn’t want to cry, I hated when my boyfriend left me in that place because I felt so alone. When he finally helped me walk, I realized he really is the heartbeat to everything. He strengthened me. 

SO I definitely wanted to leave. I didn’t get any sleep because they kept coming in to check my vitals or draw blood or give me food. It was soooo annoying!! Ugh Hospitals! 

Saturday the godparents visited. Sunday his cousin and his gf came. 

Monday at midnight I received a call. When NICU calls it can’t be good. 

Her blood pressure went low. I instantly cried because it felt like nothing good was coming. As soon as we leave our baby, she got worse. 

I debated on whether we should see her right away or not and good thing we went. 

She looked okay…. just low blood pressure. I prayed she would get better but I guess God had other plans. 

At 6AM they called again and said she fell ill….her heart rate went down this time too…… 

And her blood pressure was still low, she had blood in her lungs, blood in her brain and all the platelets and blood transfusions didn’t help apparently…..

I cried SO HARD. Her heart was at 66. It was 156 the entire week up until then….

I felt so hurt. So numb. So lost. So almost dead. I didn’t want to hear nothing else. 

My boyfriend did all the talking. 

We touched her hand and toes, she was not moving like she has been just  that yesterday. 

Then in just the quickness, they said my baby was gone! I don’t get HOW if she had 66 heart rate!! They also unplugged the monitor that shows all the vital signs. 

Pushed us to a private room. 

They unplugged my baby!! 

Just like that…….

Monday Sept 11 2017 – R. I. P. to my baby. She looked just like her father… she had his nose, his hands and his feet. 

I had a very hard Monday crying non stop. They let us hold her one more time and say goodbye. 

Well readers, it was the toughest week of my life……

Every time I wanted to blog, I was distracted by LIFE. 

And now after this terrible week, you can understand why I haven’t been on even when I wanted to be. 


My OB-GYN told me that she came early because I had terminations in the past. 

I think it was everything: the few infections I had during pregnancy, the arguing, lack of rest and the fact that my placenta was close to my cervix. 

So we have been in debate over lawyer or no lawyer? As everything costs money! We need to cremate her because that is our choice. The lawyer is for pulling plug without OUR consent. 

I have also been the one making the funeral calls and found a good home. I also have to look up a lawyer while my boyfriend works. Hard work. So stressful.

Emotional stress all week because I have been crying off and on. He has been staying so strong. I haven’t seen a tear. 

I need to be writing to you guys more and I will start. I have to get back into my twice a week gig at least! 

Please bare with me readers, I miss you all dearly.

This has been the worse experience I have ever been through. I was granted the opportunity to be a mom and it was taken all in a week. I was only a mom for 8 days. Maybe she was our angel baby to make us become better as a couple. No one knows. 


I share this story with you today as a healing process for me and to really express the hard time I have had lately. 

We have to grieve and I have to move on…. I am working on a better mental health so my next child will succeed! I was broken by too much stress, I am in search of my own serenity and it starts with possibly going back to school? 


Catch Shade Anytime of the day! Shade is on Facebook! https://facebook.com/shadebutnoshade

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