Why Can’t I Just Run Away!?

I’m a runner.

Been running my whole life.

Just realized this in a discussion with my bf.

I can never sit still because I never had a moment to breathe.

I was the girl that ran away from home at age 15.

I was the girl that ran away from my mother’s constant anger at me but hanging with friends or my grandma.

I was the teenager sick and tired of her mother yelling at her because she felt like I am her since I look like her.

Running away became a habit………

I ran away from the pain and suffering of being a rape victim.

Ran away from the exes that cheated on me and didn’t love me.

I ran away from the relationships that were never going to work out.

I ran away to a different state….1200 miles away….NYC to Iowa for 2 years

To return with a BA in English!

I didn’t know how scattered I was until I actually looked back.

Today, I am the woman that is no longer running.

I am fighting in my relationship (who knows for how long) to maintain happiness.

I am fighting for a job in my graduated field.

I know what I want out of life.

My mind has never had a moment to breathe, relax.

Always stressing and thinking.

Finally the treadmill in my mind ran out….my sneakers gave in….

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My mental rolodex turn the wheels a little slower….

I think I ran so much that when it comes to commitment, I ran from that too…

Always wore my heart on my sleeve,

But could never fully drop it off to someone.

I had almost the perfect love,

But I threw that away when I could not stay committed.

Because all my pain and hurt from past relationships,

Made me become someone who fears the forever…..

Always was afraid of the unknown.

Therefore running was all I knew….

It took for me to grow up a little more in 2015 for me to realize that I could stand tall!

Be a little stronger…

So what if I separated myself from family,

AT least I won’t get tortured

So what if I lost friends along the way,

At least I knew they weren’t meant to be friends.

Now the hard part is love.

When times get tough,

You just want to run away…

Escape and start over….

But it is so hard when you truly love someone.

They protect you, they hold you and guide you…

Into becoming a stronger individual

To where you stop running

And you walk with your head held high…

No one can get in your way.

No more running from problems…

As you learn not to have none

raising over your head like a cloud of negativity.

Finally be free mentally, spiritually, emotionally……….

Because the child in you has become a fine, grown individual.

running

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